Post #16 Wellbeing (3) - Being Social
Essential to wellbeing is being able to socially connect with others. This is no different for autistic children and young people, except that being social from their perspective may be different to ours. This post explores 'being social' from an autistic perspective and ways to create opportunities for being social during this period of lockdown.
Promoting Good Feelings when Home Learning (3)
Today's post focuses upon relationships as an essential component of wellbeing.
Mutually supportive and enjoyable relationships are essential for wellbeing. Our successful relationships promote a sense of belonging and self-worth, providing opportunities to share experiences and support emotional wellbeing. There are many myths regarding autism, none more so than an assumption that autistic people have poor relationships and do not want to be social, yet many do have positive relationships and enjoy being social - they just do these things differently! We need to guard against imposing our own perspective when we think about relationships and social interaction for autistic children and young people, watch this young person talking about autism and being social:
We should be aware as non-autistic people that our views on what being social looks like are coloured by our own experiences and perspectives and also upon the social norms of the society in which we live.
A word about social skills
Before we look at ways to promote being social at home during the current lock-down situation, it is essential to make a distinction between social skills and being social. Difficulties using and interpreting social skills are widely recognised as key characteristics of autism and there are many interventions and programmes designed to teach social skills to children and adults. Many of your sons and daughters may be taking part in interventions at school designed to teach social skills such as sharing and taking turns. Social skills are the tools which we use to interact with others. Usually these skills are learned during early development, through schooling and beyond. As we learn social skills, we also learn how these skills are used flexibly and according to the social context. For example, we learn as children that if we want to speak to the teacher in class we must raise our hand, however it is rare that we would have to raise our hand at home if we want to speak! Learning about social skills, when and how to use them, with whom, in which contexts and when not to use them, enables people to connect with others in socially acceptable ways. Many autistic individuals will learn these skills and use them successfully, BUT social skills alone are not sufficient for developing 'mutually supportive and enjoyable relationships' which enhance our wellbeing. Note, this post does not focus on how to teach social skills, but upon creating opportunities for your son or daughter to enjoy being social. Future posts will discuss ways of teaching social skills and including siblings.
Being Social
Being social is, for most people, enjoyable. Being around other people and enjoying their company helps us to feel socially included and to have a sense of belonging. However, being social and enjoying positive relationships is different for different people, what I may enjoy socially, you may not. Moreover, whilst we may thrive through relationships with others, we may still want and/or need time to be alone. Finding the right 'social balance' is discussed in this article which has been written for teenagers or young adults: Social balance and social thinking. I like what the authors advise young people: "you have to determine how much time you need to be around other people, interacting with them in a positive way, to make you feel like you are connected to the world around you, while still allowing you to follow your unique path".
'Being social' varies depending upon your child's development. Another factor to consider is the social partner. The social and emotional connection experienced when being social depends in part upon the actions of the social partner which at home might be yourself and /or other family members. Learning how to be social in ways your son or daughter enjoys and prefers may not include the perhaps stereotypical view that being social means for example taking turns in games. In addition, whilst some youngsters will indeed be ready to join in social activities with rules about sharing, turn-taking and so on, this type of activity may not be enjoyable for them. So, where to begin?
'Being social' varies depending upon your child's development. Another factor to consider is the social partner. The social and emotional connection experienced when being social depends in part upon the actions of the social partner which at home might be yourself and /or other family members. Learning how to be social in ways your son or daughter enjoys and prefers may not include the perhaps stereotypical view that being social means for example taking turns in games. In addition, whilst some youngsters will indeed be ready to join in social activities with rules about sharing, turn-taking and so on, this type of activity may not be enjoyable for them. So, where to begin?
Shared Interests
So, how might you take advantage of being at home to create opportunities for you and your child to enjoy being social? Of course, the ways you might go about this will depend upon your son or daughter. From my experience, the number one factor to consider is your child's interests. If we think about our own friendships and relationships, the most enjoyable ones in which we feel the closest conecctions are when we have shared interests, be that with friends, family, colleagues and so on. My biggest tip therefore is: BE INTERESTED IN WHAT YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER IS INTERESTED IN. Shared interests lead to social connection which is enjoyable for all participants. So make it your goal to get interested in your son or daughter's interests, whatever they are and use these to build social and communicative activities which you both enjoy.
If your child is non-verbal and/or prefers to be solitary, observe them to see what they do which gives them enjoyment, then join in! Mirror their behaviour alongside them and watch to see if they notice you - 'intensive interaction' is a way of developing social and communicative connectedness and building mutually enjoyable relationships. Watch this film which shows Phoebe Caldwell teaching a teacher how to use the approach and then showing a parent how she could use the approach at home:
If this interests you, watch the next film in which Dave Hewett explains the approach:
If you think this is something you could try at home, find time to join your child in what he or she is doing. It may take time and persistence, but the more you engage in this way, the greater the social connectedness and the mutual enjoyment. The more your child experiences this mutual connection, the more they are learning about and enjoying relationships. You will need to 'let your hair down' and enjoy being in the moment with your child. I have many fond memories of using this approach and enjoying being social with youngsters in ways that are meaningful and enjoyable to them. Interactions such as these promote good feelings and wellbeing for all participants and should not be under-estimated in terms of the impact this can then have on learning.
Your son or daughter may be academically able and you may feel that an approach such as this is not appropriate. Two things to bear in mind though:
firstly whilst many autistic individuals are cognitively able, it is important to remember that their social development is likely to be delayed; secondly, the principles of building social relationships based upon shared interests can apply regardless of cognitive ability. Actually, the most enjoyable relationships are ones where we have shared interests, so in this way we can see the same principles can apply to us all!
So, whatever your child's ability, set yourself a goal to be interested in what they are interested in. Take an interest in their favourite topic, learn about the topic with them or let them teach you about it. Take time to immerse yourself in what they are interested in and experience mutual enjoyment together. You may not be teaching social skills, but you will be creating opportunities for being social together and in so doing, enhancing shared good feelings and wellbeing. So, play with Lego, learn how to play Minecraft, collect stones and pebbles when out for your daily walk, research topics and create a presentation together, the opportunities are endless!
Being social with siblings
Much of the above can also be used when supporting social activities with siblings. Of course social activities will depend to some extent on ages of siblings and on which siblings may be best to participate in which social activity with your autistic son or daughter. Start where possible with shared interests, set up activities with those shared interests as the topic or focus. For example, an arts and crafts activity designing and making super-hero masks, a Lego challenge, a scavenger hunt to spot bugs & creatures during your daily walk. Don't forget to structure the activity as this helps to provide clarity for your autistic child, which in turn may then enhance the social aspects of the activity with sibling(s).
Being social for your autistic child may mean simply sharing the same space or being nearby a sibling. Sensory play activities (see sensory ideas post) are ideal for encouraging this level of 'being social' and can be enjoyed by any member of the family at any age! Set up the activity with the same sensory materials for each child, position children face-to-face or alongside each other. Don't feel that being social has to include talking - in fact some children will be more social if others around them say little or nothing. As your children engage in a sensory activity, watch to see if your autistic child notices their siblings and shows interests in what they are doing. Just looking at the 'social partner' (in this case a sibling) is being social for some youngsters. Siblings can also make great social partners in intensive interaction activities. Teach a sibling about the strategy and how they can encourage your autistic child to be social by mirroring their actions.
(Future post will explore structured social activities and involving siblings).
Being social with siblings
Much of the above can also be used when supporting social activities with siblings. Of course social activities will depend to some extent on ages of siblings and on which siblings may be best to participate in which social activity with your autistic son or daughter. Start where possible with shared interests, set up activities with those shared interests as the topic or focus. For example, an arts and crafts activity designing and making super-hero masks, a Lego challenge, a scavenger hunt to spot bugs & creatures during your daily walk. Don't forget to structure the activity as this helps to provide clarity for your autistic child, which in turn may then enhance the social aspects of the activity with sibling(s).
Being social for your autistic child may mean simply sharing the same space or being nearby a sibling. Sensory play activities (see sensory ideas post) are ideal for encouraging this level of 'being social' and can be enjoyed by any member of the family at any age! Set up the activity with the same sensory materials for each child, position children face-to-face or alongside each other. Don't feel that being social has to include talking - in fact some children will be more social if others around them say little or nothing. As your children engage in a sensory activity, watch to see if your autistic child notices their siblings and shows interests in what they are doing. Just looking at the 'social partner' (in this case a sibling) is being social for some youngsters. Siblings can also make great social partners in intensive interaction activities. Teach a sibling about the strategy and how they can encourage your autistic child to be social by mirroring their actions.
(Future post will explore structured social activities and involving siblings).
Alternative ways of being social - virtual meetings
The opportunities for being social face-to-face are currently limited, but this again offers opportunities for being social in different ways! The use of technology to support being social is evident across society during lockdown, with an abundance of creative ways for people to stay connected. Use this time to support your son or daughter to stay connected with others, such as school friends. For example, use video communications Apps. such as zoom or skype, to facilitate social connectedness - many youngsters will be able to use these independently, others may need support from you. For example, you might agree with another parent that your children could meet via a video App. You could help to facilitate this by structuring a conversation or writing a script to support your child with what to say and practise this before the activity.
Some youngsters may express a wish to meet their friends via a video App, but may find it difficult without some structure. If you are able to contact a parent of your child's friend, it may be possible to agree a format for a virtual meeting which is then shared and rehearsed if your child needs this. A clear structure for starting and ending the meeting is helpful, with suggestions for ways to greet each other and ways to end the meeting.
Having a clear focus for a virtual meeting helps provide some structure and predictability. Some youngsters will have a clear idea about what they would like the focus of their meeting to be, for example they may want to discuss some work which has been set by school or college, or to discuss their progress in an online game. Others will need some help to agree a focus for their meeting. Try to agree a focus with parent(s) of those who are participating, so that you can plan for a topic that will be interesting to your children. Does your child and his or her friend(s) have any shared interests? This could be a good start for identifying a topic that they may enjoy discussing. Virtual meetings could be used for a variety of activities, for example planning a presentation together about a favourite topic, participating in a quiz about an agreed topic or even using a free quiz maker App together to devise a quiz which they then share more widely with other friends or with family. The format for a virtual meeting can be shared prior to the meeting in a variety of ways. For some a written 'agenda' may be sufficient. Others may need more detail and visual supports, for example provide the agenda as a comic-strip using cartoons and speech bubbles. Twinkl has some free comic-strip templates which you can download if you feel you son or daughter (and their friend) would like this type of structure for their meeting, Free comic-strip template (browse online for many example and templates). Providing some structure and visual supports for a virtual meeting may build confidence and enable your children to enjoy their meeting.
Having a clear focus for a virtual meeting helps provide some structure and predictability. Some youngsters will have a clear idea about what they would like the focus of their meeting to be, for example they may want to discuss some work which has been set by school or college, or to discuss their progress in an online game. Others will need some help to agree a focus for their meeting. Try to agree a focus with parent(s) of those who are participating, so that you can plan for a topic that will be interesting to your children. Does your child and his or her friend(s) have any shared interests? This could be a good start for identifying a topic that they may enjoy discussing. Virtual meetings could be used for a variety of activities, for example planning a presentation together about a favourite topic, participating in a quiz about an agreed topic or even using a free quiz maker App together to devise a quiz which they then share more widely with other friends or with family. The format for a virtual meeting can be shared prior to the meeting in a variety of ways. For some a written 'agenda' may be sufficient. Others may need more detail and visual supports, for example provide the agenda as a comic-strip using cartoons and speech bubbles. Twinkl has some free comic-strip templates which you can download if you feel you son or daughter (and their friend) would like this type of structure for their meeting, Free comic-strip template (browse online for many example and templates). Providing some structure and visual supports for a virtual meeting may build confidence and enable your children to enjoy their meeting.
Safe social gaming
I am sure many of your children love gaming and this activity can also offer opportunities for being social. However, access to gaming Apps can be problematic and making sure children are safe is an important concern. One father created a Minecraft sever, 'Autcraft' as a safe environment for autistic children and young people to play minecraft together. If you are interested, see: Autcraft - safe place to play minecraft for autistic children and young people Watch the creator of Autcraft in this film:
One parent said about Autcraft: "you can start taking these tiny steps towards the joy of sharing something with children that are just like you. That makes you smile. That makes you feel special." Autcraft
Key points:
Being social should be an enjoyable experience
Being social depends on shared interests
Being social depends on shared interests
Join in with your child's special interests
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