Post #28 Kind or Not Kind?

Mental Health Awareness Week shines a light on kindness and the benefits for those who carry out acts of kindness. Sadly it is essential we also teach autistic children about what is NOT KIND.

It is a sad fact of life that unkindness exists across society. Targets of unkindness are frequently those who are perceived as different in some way. It is widely recognised that autistic youngsters (and adults) are vulnerable to unkindness and often make easy targets. It is vital therefore that we teach about what is not kind and what to do when they experience unkindness. However, this is more complex than it might seem as recognising unkindness requires us to 'read' the intentions of other people. Autistic children and young people may find it difficult to read and interpret the intentions of others. This makes it all the more important to develop strategies to enable them to recognise unkindness, to make distinctions between degrees of unkindness and to know what to do when they are the targets of unkindness.

Language and vocabulary
Just as you may need to teach the language and vocabulary of kindness, so it is helpful to clarify the language of unkindness. This can be tricky due to the use of words and prefixes which are abstract and difficult to conceptualise, for example, the word NOT and the prefix UN. Teaching 'not' can be done in a visual way, for example:

These symbols can be placed on top of a picture or symbol card to indicate not:

Visual cues can also be used to show opposites, for example:

If your child is already using visual cues at school, check which they use to represent 'not' and use the same at home. If you are trying this with a child who does not use them at school, select the cue which your son or daughter finds most meaningful.

Teach your child to recognise words and actions which are kind or not kind (you can also introduce the prefix 'un'). For example:

Work with your child to add examples that are meaningful to them and which they have experienced.

Misinterpretation of kind/unkind actions and words
It may be difficult for your son or daughter to make a distinction between what is accidental and what is intentionally unkind. Accidental actions may be interpreted as intentionally unkind, sometimes exacerbated by hypersensitivity. For example, someone brushing against them may feel like being pushed or slapped due to tactile hypersensitivity. This can result in misinterpretation of the action, what was an accident is interpreted as unkind. 

'Reading' the intentions of others can be challenging and may also result in misinterpretation of a situation. Some children may accuse peers of bullying but may have mis-read the situation. For example, if they do not win a game they may say the peers bullied them. It can be distressing for a parent to hear their child say they are being bullied, but always try and find out the full picture so that you can then provide appropriate support and suggest strategies. A sliding scale is helpful for some youngsters to try to help them to understand the nuances of unkindness. For example:

OR:

The numbers or levels can then be discussed and examples for each added to the scale to help identify acts of kindness, accidental actions which are not intended as unkind, through to actions and words which are bullying.

Misinterpreting a situation may also mean a young person does not recognise when they are being bullied. Consider this (real) example: an autistic teenager gave money to a group of students every morning when he arrived in school. The group of boys then hit him over the head with a book and laughed. The autistic individual believed that the boys were his friends and so continued to bring them money each morning. This illustrates how this young man misinterpreted the actions of the group, not reading their non-verbal signals and thinking that because they were laughing they must be being friendly. This example also illustrates the increased vulnerability of young autistic people to being teased, taunted or bullied. A Comic-Strip Conversation revealed what the autistic boy understood about the situation, the extract below shows that he thought the boys' words were kind (green), his teacher then showed that the words were actually unkind (red): 

A series of Social Articles about 'friendship' were then written to try to help him to make distinctions between kind, friendly actions/words and unkind behaviour. which may actually be bullying. Concepts like these are difficult to explain, but it is important to find ways to help youngsters to be able to recognise the difference between kind/unkind behaviours in other people. If you are interested in using Comic-Strip Conversations, see: Comic Strip Conversations

Misinterpretation or mis-reading a social situation applies also to the use of social media where we know our youngsters may find support and friendship, but are also vulnerable to being bullied. Ensuring that they can make distinctions between kind and unkind behaviour on social media is important and also make sure they know that if they are uncertain then they should always speak to a trusted adult. Discuss and write down the benefits and risks of using social media and perhps agree a contract or code of conduct which includes clear rules - visual information is powerful so a written code of conduct may be processed and remembered more effectively and can also be referred to as and when required.

For further information see: Bullying guide which includes information on cyberbullying.

Do bear in mind that these are difficult concepts and reading the intentions of other people is particulary challenging for many autistic people. You will most likely need to use strategies long term to support this aspect of learning. Speak to your son's or daughter's teacher or college tutor to discuss the bigger picture and together work out how best to support your child. Finally, if your child has experienced unkindness or bullying, draw their attention to the many kindnesses in the world.

Tomorrow's post will be a celebration of kindness and will include some arts and craft activities to end the week.